It’s that that you being you is going to be “wrong” and that you won’t be able to cope with their response that you’ve predicted or with your own feelings and thoughts.
You don’t want to be under scrutiny, to be judged, to put you out there or reopen an old wound.
I’m also not alone in having felt a ‘connection’ to people because of what they ‘activated’ in me that reminded me of one or both of my parents or that tapped into old issues.
Hell, I thought that if a person cried on me, told me about how their pet budgie died when they were seven or how much they disliked one or both of their parents, or even wanted to get into my pants faster than the speed of light, that these were ‘intimacy’ Intimacy takes time, experience, and vulnerability.
If you are not being authentic, so showing up as you and being emotionally honest in your own inner relationship never mind with your partner, you will have a lot of the hallmarks of an intimate relationship without the intimacy.
That means that you could love and care for a person, enjoy sex and other aspects of a relationship but fundamentally be afraid of the consequences of closeness – that fear that if you’re you, vulnerable and essentially emotionally available (willing to feel all of your feelings and be rooted in reality instead of ducking behind a wall and struggling with boundaries and commitment), that you will allow somebody to get close enough to you that it might hurt if they leave, disappoint, criticise, argue/fight with you, or reject you.
You may not know what intimacy is, possibly due to not having relationships that you could truly observe and learn from, and you may have assumed that once you felt like you loved and cared for someone and were in a relationship, that you’d either be able to automatically know what each of you wants or that a void you had would be filled up and you’d feel confident and in possession of the skills to forge closeness.
I know I’m not alone in having believed that being in a relationship, talking even if it’s not truly communicating, and being in great turmoil due to the rollercoaster of drama, is intimacy.
We’ll think that letting the other person direct and even feeling excessively emotionally reliant on them to feel worthwhile and purposeful, is intimacy when it isn’t; it’s faux intimacy.
Here’s the truth: A lot of us can talk about and do a lot of things.
is a fictional antihero, appearing in comic books published by DC Comics and its alternative imprint Vertigo.
The character first appeared in The Saga of Swamp Thing #25 (June 1984), and was created by Alan Moore, Steve Bissette, John Totleben, Jamie Delano and John Ridgway.
He serves as the lead character of the comic books Hellblazer (1988–2013), Constantine (2013–15), Constantine: The Hellblazer (2015–16), and The Hellblazer (2016–).