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I cannot bear to look at her grinning face or summon the energy for a smile of my own.

Having gotten pregnant easily twice, we were optimistic about our chances for a third try. My husband, ever the optimist, was sure that if we just kept having lots of sex we’d be successful. I realized I was no longer in the driver’s seat – these babies were coming into my life in the next half-hour, and for the first time I seemed to understand what that was really going to mean.

Ten months later, after three failed intrauterine inseminations, one failed injectable cycle, and one failed IVF, we were on our last try, using the three frozen embryos we had leftover from our IVF cycle. We had reached the end of our financial rope, as well as my husband’s willingness to go through any more shots and tests. Before I could ask the doctor if we could reschedule the operation, the epidural was in and I was being laid down on the table.

I ran to Target and bought my husband a bib with the words “I Love Daddy.” I called my mom.

Then, at twelve weeks I had an ultrasound and learned that our baby was dead.

Our sleep was cut from an hour and a half between feedings to about forty minutes.

During the day, any free time we had was cut in half.The next thing I knew, my husband was holding our son, the doctors were helping my daughter breathe, and I was throwing up on myself. My son stayed in the NICU for an additional week while my husband and I went back and forth between our baby at home and our baby in the hospital.By the time we picked up our son, I was already exhausted from caring for our extremely fussy daughter and trying but failing at breastfeeding. Originally, my husband planned to take almost a month of paternity leave. That first week both babies were home was spent adjusting the schedule we had started to fall into with our daughter, because now everything took twice as long.But a month before our first anniversary, my period was late.I took a pregnancy test and remember seeing the lines on the First Response stick turn pink and feeling my knees buckle.In the produce section, while my eyes jump around looking for the bananas, a woman with sagging pantyhose walks up to me.